Half Artist, Half Water Bottle Gremlin
- studiolrn2024
- May 15
- 6 min read
First off, I feel like I owe a little apology for disappearing for a while. I know I haven’t been the most consistent with sharing my art or updates lately, and honestly — it’s because I’ve been struggling. My health has been a lot to handle, and it’s left me with very little energy for creating (or anything, really).
Right now, I’m still off work, and it’s been really tough mentally. I’ve been working on myself through therapy and CBT, trying to work through all these emotions while also dealing with my physical health — but it’s hard. Really hard. I feel stuck in a cycle: some days I feel a little better, then the next day I’m back to square one. It’s impossible to plan anything, which makes me feel isolated and left behind.
I love my friends and I’m so happy for them, but it’s hard not to feel jealous sometimes. While they’re out living their best lives, I’m stuck inside, or only able to do small things that take up all my energy. That feeling of being left behind is isolating. And if I’m honest, it feels like I’m not getting better — if anything, it feels like I’m getting worse. Everything just feels so heavy at the moment.
But my creativity has always been my escape. Even now, it’s one of the few things that helps me keep going. I’ve been leaning into small creative wins — like following a sewing pattern to make the cutest cherry scrunchie (big win!) and teaching myself crochet. It’s been so fun learning a new skill, and it’s something I can do at my own pace, without pushing my body too hard. It’s not the art I imagined I’d be making, but it’s still something, and right now, that’s enough.
Even rearranging my art supplies so they’re easier to reach when I’m flaring has been its own kind of creative act. My easel is now set up so I can work sitting down, making it possible for me to still feel like an artist, even on tougher days. It’s all about adapting. And it’s okay that it looks different right now.
On the days I can get out of the house, I try to do small things just for me. A little trip to Farnham for an oat iced latte and a sweet treat at a coffee shop — it sounds simple, but it gives me a tiny bit of normality. Still, the financial side of being off work has added another layer of stress. I feel guilty spending money on anything non-essential, even if it’s something small to lift my mood. Then I feel worse for not doing anything nice for myself. It’s a vicious cycle of guilt, loneliness, and frustration, and it feels like I’m stuck in a rut with no clear way out.
I don’t know when I’ll be back at work. I don’t even know how to get back to work right now. Everything just feels overwhelming. But through it all, my creative work has been a lifeline. And so has music. Music has always been my way to escape — my vinyl collection is probably too big, and my Spotify is always playing something. It helps me feel a little more relaxed, like I can breathe again, even if just for a few minutes. I’ll share my current playlist with you at the end of this post — it’s a collection of songs that are giving me little sparks of happiness in the middle of all this struggle.
My Ongoing Health Rollercoaster
I’ve been unwell for a while now. It started sometime last year — a dull ache in my lower right abdomen that gradually got worse. At first, I just tried to push through. I didn’t want to admit how bad it was getting. But by October 2024, the pain was impossible to ignore, and I finally reached out to my doctor for help.
Since then, life has felt like a series of tests and question marks. Scans, a colonoscopy, endless blood tests. I have been off work for over six months, and it feels like my world has shrunk to hospital appointments and trying to manage pain. In February 2025, I had a diagnostic laparoscopy. They found some adhesions around my appendix, a polyp, and a large, sore ovary — but nothing they could really treat. Another dead end.
Alongside this, doctors have been investigating my heavy, painful periods. Blood tests showed I have a delayed APTT and the presence of Cardiolipin IgM antibodies. I was referred to haematology but my delayed APTT isn't delayed enough to warrant further investigation. There’s still no diagnosis. Just more questions.
Recovery from surgery wasn’t smooth either. I got an infection at one of the laparoscopy sites, which made everything harder. Mentally, it’s been a constant battle. Some days I can manage. Others, the pain is so bad I can’t do anything but curl up with a hot water bottle or heat pad and my medication, hoping for it to ease.
I don’t feel like me anymore. It’s hard to feel like I’m living — I’m just getting through.
Trying to Stay Creative
Art has always been my safe space. But when you’re dealing with endless pain, fatigue, and mental burnout, even the things you love become hard to do. Finding the time is one thing. Finding the energy is another.
Because my hands have been so shaky, holding a paintbrush just isn’t possible right now. But instead of giving up, I’ve been finding smaller, more manageable ways to be creative. Sewing that cherry scrunchie felt like a massive win. Learning to crochet is so much fun, soothing, and something I can do gently. These aren’t the big art projects I had planned, but they’re still creative, and they still bring me joy.
Even rearranging my art supplies so they’re easier to reach when I’m flaring has been its own kind of creative act. It’s all about adapting. And it’s okay that it looks different right now.
Rest Is Not Lazy
One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that resting isn’t lazy. It’s necessary. But that doesn’t make it easy. I still struggle with feeling guilty for needing to stop. For not being “productive” enough.
It’s so easy to compare myself to others — or even to my past self. I miss the version of me who had more energy, who could paint for hours without worrying about the consequences. But with the help of my therapist and pain management courses, I’m slowly learning how to be more present. To let go of past me and the expectations I’ve been holding onto. It’s not easy, but I’m working on it.
Rest is healing. It’s not failure. And giving myself permission to rest — really rest — is something I’m trying to be better at.
Creating on My Own Terms
One of the most important things I’m learning is that creativity doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. Even small acts of creativity matter. Even if it’s just a few stitches of crochet, or planning out an art idea in my head. It all counts.
You don’t have to be constantly producing to be an artist. You don’t have to prove your creativity to anyone — not even to yourself.
If you’re dealing with chronic illness, mental health struggles, or just feeling stuck, please know you’re not alone. You’re not failing. You’re adapting. And that is incredibly brave.
Where I’m At Now
I’m still figuring things out. Still managing pain. Still trying to navigate this strange new version of life. But I’m also trying to be kinder to myself. On good days, I can sit at my easel (which I’ve adjusted so I can work sitting down). On other days, I crochet a little or just let music carry me through.
I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know what’s next. But I’m still here. Still creating in whatever way I can. Still trying.
And for now, that’s enough.
Thank You (Because I Really Mean It)
Before I finish, I want to take a moment to say thank you to the people closest to me. The friends who check in, who don’t give up on me even when I go quiet. Your support has meant the world.
And also, to my wonderful partner, Tom. I honestly don’t know how I’d be getting through this without you. Your endless support, patience, and love have been my anchor in the middle of all this chaos. Thank you for being there through everything — for the good days, the awful days, and all the grey in between. You mean everything to me.
🎶 PS: Here’s the playlist that’s been keeping me going lately It’s full of songs that bring me tiny sparks of joy, calm, and sometimes just let me cry it out. I’ll link it below — maybe it’ll help you too. 💛
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